Heal YoSelf

Oh the modalities you will try!


Because Netflix has taken Frasier out of the library and lost their minds on the rest of their sorry line up (The Office is the only reason I have a subscription)

I am forced to read books, try out new *art film* channels (Hierony Vision, anyone?) and cobble together my own team of body workers and alternative medicine healers and quacks in a new town.

A Chiropractor with the tiniest Messiah Complex offered me a couple months of adjustments for $2000. He’s got the swagger of a college football star (in a movie) and a Can Do attitude of Tony Robbins so I said YES! Until I said, wait, I can buy an inflatable hot tub AND a Joybird couch instead? He’s fired.

I tossed several lines out into the massage waters here after *Dr* Messiah told me how much I was gonna love his hot stone massage guy (included in the $2000 package!) cuz we'd connect. Why? "He's got crystals and stuff, wears turquoise beads too!" *****Wait, you're New Agey Profiling me. You know who likes turquoise? Pretty much everyone. And I'm VERY picky about my massage therapists. I'll find my own guy thank you very much and he's not loading river rocks into a crock pot I can assure you. For $2000 I'll bet I can get him to paint my living room though.

No one returned my calls or even answered the phone (wtf Massage Envy?) Except the one I really wanted...Advanced Work Cranial Sacral guy. Cranial Sacral is the Migraine Drain. It addresses those freaky cranial fluid demons that hide in the recesses and cause pain. I’ve done every kind of massage work there is for 30 years and it gets expensive. A recent stint hitting up the no appointment necessary $40 Asian massage places in Florida injured me a couple times and got me out of the habit. My Japanese old man therapist was my favorite for 7 years in Atlanta until one day he said, my knee hurt because I was—

“Atoo, afat. Thas whya ayour a knee ahurt. Youa need to a stopa eating a cookie and a drink the soda.”

Naked I was. And I haven’t had a soda since middle school. So suck it Tatsuo. I’ve earned this body. See the middle part? That’s Stress Belly. Too many Funerals and Menopawz. You’re also fired.

But he was an amazing therapist. I miss his dynamic, organized, fluid, walk on me, porcelain neck pillow action. If I never get another apricot seed oil rub by a part time doula with a whale soundtrack tooting in the background I'll be just fine. This is serious head business I'm after. The Cranial Sacral guy’s bio says he used to be a plumber and that's about how I see the body, so I'm betting we're a match.

Also spoke to a D.O. "like a chiropractor but no popping" and for $485 I can have him do some isometrics on me and I'm cured. He looked like a bald Kapt. Kangaroo. Skin pallor of raw chicken which I've noticed a lot in Tulsa. Looks luminous on 23 year olds, starts looking like Space Odyssey Opalescence in your 60s. His FB page features a lot of info on Dr. Mercola and Jesus. Pick a miracle worker. That's a lot of $$$ for one visit and I like Magical Thinking as much as the next guy but I don't know if you can put Humpty Dumpty back together again in one visit. If you don't, I can't afford to come back. What then?

Acupuncture is neither respected nor regulated in Oklahoma. Like their medical weed, you're on your own. Have at it, but we don't know what that is. Hydroponic bud or a recycled tea bag. Needling without regulation is where I draw the line. That and Mobile Colon Hydrotherapy.

Cajun Corndogs and Colonics, 2 for1, 5-7pm

Gyrosphere Magnet Pods, lutes on spinning dream catchers, vibrational amethyst dust on copper earthing mats all legal and available at the head shop that used to be a music shop. Your Reiki Master works the QT night shift. It’s Santa Fe in 1974. Dirtier, without the views. Most everyone works for the City of Tulsa but everything is out of everyone’s jurisdiction. I hear a lot of sirens but I haven’t seen a police car in 3 months. Like coyotes, I assume they’re out there because I hear them howl.

Sunny and 60 degrees in January. If I don't ride my bike tomorrow I'm just not trying.